Again
by Eliza Darling
Summary: Based off YUI's "again." Is Edward ready to face his indelible sin and become a better older brother toward Alphonse? No Elricest, just brotherly love. K plus for a bit of language on Edward's part.


**Yay! My first complete FMA oneshot! Just a little something based off YUI's "again," 'cause I LOVE that song. Usually I don't write like this, and I was pretty much zoned out the entire time, so any mistakes and such, please let me know!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own "again" by YUI, nor do I own FMA. If I did, it wouldn't be about alchemy. Just yaoi. Or Royai.**

Did it hurt, Alphonse?

Did it hurt when they took you away, when you learned the Truth, when you thought Mom was palpable, but in reality, you somehow knew she was never coming back?

Did it hurt to return as nothing but a suit of armor?

It was my fault, Alphonse; I shouldn't have made you believe that one day she would come back, and we could hold onto her forever.

Now we are nothing but two lost souls, wandering, wanting, searching for a dream that is said to be impossible to capture.

I don't think it is.

But the Truth got to us, Alphonse. It grabbed us by the throats; it tripped us on the winding path; it showed us just how damn cruel the world can be.

Can you feel, Alphonse?

Can you feel the rain, pouring from the sky like tears she cries? The wind that tousles a long blonde braid like her fingers through your hair? Do you feel the music tickling your fingers as it plays through moving air like she is singing?

Can't you see that day? The day you come back and the clouds will part for you? The sky will shine blue in your favor, bluer than the river you used to sit by when you were mad. She will smile once you are back; I know she will.

But after everything we've been through, everything that has gotten us by these past few years, we can't go back to the way we used to be. The way we once were. You of all people know we can't return to our true home.

When was the last time I cried, Alphonse? When did tears fall down from my eyes and someone was there to kiss them away? Do you remember? Do you?

Am I sad because I tried and almost lost you? Because we didn't know she'd never hug and kiss us again? Because I didn't figure everything out?

Do you hate me because it seems I am the victim instead of you?

But I know you, Alphonse; I know you hate sharing the blame of our indelible sin, the ultimate crime, the one thing we truly regret doing.

Would you cry for me, Alphonse? For both of us? You know it wouldn't heal that sin, though. You know it takes more than that to once again be accepted.

I won't cry, though. I won't shed useless tears. It would not help, not in the least.

So instead of putting the blame on us, I put it on myself. Now I must bear with the pain, with the sin, because I don't want to blame you for anything.

It's like a maze, Alphonse. Each emotion is its own twist around a corner, facing dead end, finding new paths.

But the maze has no exit. I can't escape from myself, from my feelings.

But what about you, Alphonse? I don't know how you feel about me, about any of this. I want to know, of course. Will you let me in?

I want to know you, but do I have the time to? Do I really want to know? It's like I'm running. Running through the maze, trying to escape from something.

What is it, Alphonse? Is it our reality? Is it our life?

Why would I run, Alphonse? Am I just a scared child, like you? Am I afraid of life?

You once told me why we lived. You said we served a purpose in this world. And I believed you for the longest time. But it's as if I've forgotten that purpose. Like it was taken from me while I was sleeping, when I was most vulnerable.

Without that purpose, I don't know where I belong. Do I belong to you, Alphonse? To Winry? To Mom?

It hurts, Alphonse, thinking of her, you know. Sometimes I wish I'd lost my memories like you did. You're lucky you don't know what it's like to be all alone, with absolutely no one. No one to care, no one to comfort or hug you in times of your greatest need. I didn't have you, Alphonse. I couldn't live without you. Can you help me forget those minutes when you were not there?

You would say no, of course, because you didn't know. You'd tell me to move on, so I'll try. I'm on the way.

Still, the pain is almost unbearable, Alphonse. The pain of losing her, of almost losing you, it's too much. Can you help me accept the pain, help me get used to it?

Am I pressuring you, putting you in a position where you believe you cannot help me?

I'm sorry, Alphonse.

I'm sorry if it seems I'm just a useless bastard who can't look out for himself.

But you don't know, Alphonse. You need to understand what happened. How can you do it?

Shut your eyes, Alphonse. See what can't be seen. Understand what happened to you.

I don't know where you went. Why else would I be so worried? You know I don't lie, not toward you, or Winry, or even that cocky bastard Mustang.

That motivates me, Alphonse; the truthfulness is leading me to be a better person, like you.

It makes me happy, excited. That excitement crashes over me like a salty wave on the sand, burning my skin as if it were alive and stirring my red heart in a whirlpool.

If that's reality, I would wait for it, just to keep feeling like that.

That's not my living purpose, though, is it, Alphonse? It's not just truth; it's not just reality. It's not feeling that excitement.

I want to scream to the heavens, Alphonse. If I do it, will you hear me?

Do you know why I'm screaming? Is it about everything that's happened? Every pain that has struck us? Is it because we failed?

You would understand, Alphonse. You're the strongest, kindest person I've ever known, and I thank you for dealing with every hardship I've ever put you through.

I want to be as strong as you are. To deal with everything and still be selfless should be my ultimate goal. I'm trying, Alphonse. I'm on the way.

If I were as strong as you, wouldn't I be able to face everyone? The Homunculi, the military, our friends... Shouldn't I have the ability to face them? Would I be able to proceed on if I did?

I have to move on, Alphonse. I have to walk through the next door and never look back.

Sometimes it's like a nightmare. My story has been written out before me; the pages are flipping in front of my eyes and it's too late to forget what I've seen, too late to change every horrid action I've done.

Wake me up, Alphonse! Wake me up!

You don't know what it's like, do you? What it's like to have everything unfold and loaded into your cranium. How you knew you were so close, but couldn't pay the toll to know everything.

You're lucky you don't have those memories, Alphonse. But I hate how you're alway mad at me for dwelling in the past.

I'm going to try again, Alphonse. Again I'll be the older brother. Again we can return to our original bodies. That's why we're living now, Alphonse. That's our purpose.

I want to scream again, Alphonse. Will you be able to hear me? Will you understand?

We can't return anywhere, but we can find someplace new. I can make things better for you, Alphonse. Just trust me. I'm on the way.

Still, the pain will always be with me, that indelible sin. It will never fade, but I need to deal with it.

Will you help me, Alphonse? Will you help me accept the pain, along with everything else?

**Review? To make me a better writer? :D**


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